Do you remember a moment as a kid when you learned it’s best to be The Good Girl?
I can’t pinpoint exactly when that happened for me. Maybe that’s my foggy memory of childhood, or maybe it was so subtly conditioned into me that it would be impossible to narrow the moment down to one instance?
My daughter and I decided to grab supper and her pick for the night was the local small-town bar and grill. She's 9, and giving her more authority in decisions is something I've been intentional about.
This is a place where most folks know everyone and most seating is communal with all large tables. When we arrived, it just so happened that my husband was there, sitting with a group. They made room so we could squeeze in at the table with them.
Not long after, a recurring character at this bar scene arrived. Growing up, I recall people calling him "Wild Bill." He always wore a cowboy hat, had a beard and mustache and was notorious for folding dollar bills into a ring you can wear. I remember him being an “old guy” back then, so it seems crazy he is still walking into the bar today.
In all of my 47 years, I have never thought of him and his dollar ring as more than a novelty bar schtick. He joined our table at an open seat next to my husband, with our daughter and me on the other side of my husband.
Wild Bill’s attention immediately went to my daughter, and he reached across my husband to poke her in a “tickle way” on her side. She leaned away, obviously not interested in that, and when he tried again, I said no.
The other 8 adults at the table didn’t seem to notice her discomfort. I did. She did.
As expected, he began folding up a dollar bill into a ring for her. She accepted it nicely, but immediately put it in her lap under the table, then asked to use the restroom and didn’t return with the ring.
No one noticed. I did.
Then Wild Bill told her: Now that I gave you a ring, we’re married and reached across to “boop” her nose. Was that supposed to be cute? It was crystal clear she didn’t want to be touched in any manner by a strange old man.
Again, I said no. Again, he reached out.
I asked my daughter if she wanted to move tables, and she said yes.
A 9-year-old little girl. A table full of adults. What is she supposed to do?
Don’t make a fuss. Don’t be rude. Be polite. Be a good girl.
Her body and instincts tell her she is uncomfortable. She doesn’t like it.
How is a 9-year-old little girl supposed to know where the line is drawn in a room full of adults?
Is she supposed to be a good girl in this situation?
Is feeling uncomfortable enough of a reason to cause a fuss? Be rude? Say no?
At a table full of adults who don’t notice her subtle cues?
She felt safe telling me she wanted to move tables - but I had to notice, and I had to ask.
If I weren’t there, would she have felt enough courage and safety to say no?
At a table full of adults who didn’t notice her?
We didn’t make a scene when we stood up to move. We didn’t apologize. We enjoyed our meal at our own table.
After we left, in the car ride home, we talked about how the other person's intent doesn't matter if something makes you uncomfortable. It’s perfectly okay to say no or even be rude. If something feels off, always trust yourself.
You don’t have to be the good girl.