Three years ago I was in the thick of putting my life back together following a relationship crisis when I began working with an energy and alignment coach I had known for a few years. I ended up being the beta round for an offer she had been developing and the timing couldn’t have been more perfect. I was on an intentional journey of relearning who I really am and this came to me exactly when I needed it.
In one of our sessions we were talking about the metaphor of pulling in the oars and not fighting the currents. Then she shared every time we would meet she would get this image - me in a boat, trying to control where I’m going, fighting against the current. The vision was so clear for me too: a small boat, alone on dark, choppy river waters surrounded by high rocky banks, fighting to paddle upstream.
I remember saying to her, if we go with the idea that we have already chosen the lessons and journey for this life, then are there really any wrong decisions? Wouldn’t every choice actually be correct because that is the path? Then she said, you gotta pull in the oars and let the universe lead the way - or something to that effect.
I thought of those coaching sessions recently, which got me wondering how I would describe my life on the water through my different eras, even before the relationship crisis. Has it always felt like paddling upstream in choppy waters?
Going back to those early years of motherhood, career building and volunteering for all the things - there wasn’t even a boat in sight. I distinctly remember saying to a friend, it feels like I’m treading water and barely keeping my head above the water, I don’t know what to do. I kept saying yes to everything, thinking the overwhelm would reward me in some way or at least be a decent badge of honor. Looking back, I can see this was my biggest era of self-abandonment.
As the kids got older and more independent and I moved to being self-employed, I found a boat to climb into and I was the Captain of that damn boat! I told myself I was in control despite the waters being rough and everything felt like paddling upstream to get where I thought I needed to be - or more so, WHO I thought I needed to be - for everyone else. Self-abandonment wasn’t going down without a fight - that bitch has a life raft. Looking back on this era, the strongest feeling I had then was resentment.
The last four years have been full of self-discovery. I began to go with the current more and more. Were the oars fully in the boat? Oh, no! I found myself still trying to force the boat where I thought it needed to go and the waters still felt rough, but hey, I was at least going downstream, right?!
I am understanding more about myself, working on boundaries and seeing glimpses of who I am underneath the years of choppy waters. This has been my transformational era.
So as I was lying in bed the other night, waiting for sleep to take me under, the memory of that coaching session floated back to me. I can still vividly remember the feeling of being in that boat when the waters were rough, but now those feelings are anchored in the past.
Hindsight makes the other eras clearer and being in the thick of this one may be why I can’t quite pinpoint exactly when this shift happened - when the anchor dropped on those old feelings. I think it has been little by little over the last year, the waters calming with every small thing I have shed and let go of. I’m cleaning up who and what I give my energy to. I’m slower to say yes. I am gaining boldness in using my voice. I value being present more than ever before and self-trust is slowly replacing self-abandonment.
Where I sit today, life isn’t less chaotic. I completely upended my entrepreneurial dreams and returned to the traditional 9-5, the kids’ schedules are jammed with sports and activities going all different directions, my oldest is a high school senior this year, for the love of God.
But as I lay in bed, the vision I have of me on the water now is in a small raft, calmly floating down a lazy river.